Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
