I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
