My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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