PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
