Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
