Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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