New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize