i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
