I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
