Can Purell be used as lube?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
