Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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