so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize