2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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