I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
