my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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