They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just found puke in my bra..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
