I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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