Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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