I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
