can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
