He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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