WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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