the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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