i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
