My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm sobbing to NWA
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
