to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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