Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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