Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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