He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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