theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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