You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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