If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
