god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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