Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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