Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
