dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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