What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
