Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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