We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
