im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
