I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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