Your favorite bartender is back from prision
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
