Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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