my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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