I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
