i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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