I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
