I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
