I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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