God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
