I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
