i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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