...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize