i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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