So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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