I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
