I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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