Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
